I Love You. I Hate You.

I'm talking about food. I love eating. I hate eating. I have gained back the 30+ lbs I lost three years ago when my husband had lapband surgery. I have always had an unhealthy love/hate relationship with food. I love to eat but then I immediately regret doing so and I angrily think to myself, "Did you really need to go there?" It was so easy to drop the pounds three years ago. We had a gym membership and we worked out together. Now, even though I'm motivated every time I look in the mirror, it's not enough to make me want to head outside for a run. I know what needs to be done, my problem is doing it. Don't we all do that in some way or another with something? And really, what is it that's holding me back? Why do I refuse to do it in the first place? Is it a subconscious fear that I have yet to identify? I don't know.

I just know that I hate food. I hate that I love it. When I eat, (in my mind) I feel my face getting fatter and rounder. I literally feel my chin expanding below. Sometimes I'll compensate by doing sets of lunges and squats after I eat even if it's in a restaurant bathroom stall. Or wall push ups. Sometimes all three. I don't really know why I'm putting this all out in cyberspace. Am I crazy? Yea, maybe. All I want is to feel good about myself just one day of my life. Authentically good.

My Happy Place

Surprisingly, I never thought I'd ever say it, but it's the j-o-b. I can't stress how much I love being there. I love the people I work with, I love reading, and I am always happy when I come home. Even when I have to close and don't get home until 1230-1 a.m. on weekends. Even with the dreaded holiday season around the corner. Even when I have to RTS stacks of magazines like this
on weekends. Even when my very most favorite buddies aren't working but other nice people are. I can be my fun-loving, happy self where it's okay to get excited and I don't have to worry about, "tone it down, Marissa." I can be myself without having to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. My co-workers get me and I get them. I haven't felt this way about a job since high school when I waited tables at Souper Salad. I loved that company so much that I followed a manager to a different store when he transferred.

Anyway, I know I've talked a lot about the job lately but I can't help it. I'm happy, I love it, and I am genuinely in a good mental place for those 8 hours of the day when I get to be where I feel the best about myself. What's yours?

A New Story

The boys and I started reading a new book last night. I know we're two chapters away from finishing The Mouse and the Motorcycle but it took us far too long to read that one (sorry, Beverly Cleary, but this was not a very exciting story). Besides, I've been dying to start reading The Phantom Tollbooth. I never read that one as a kid and it's one we've had on the shelf forever, patiently waiting to be read. I was hooked after reading the back cover and how Milo "visits the Island of Conclusions (you get there by jumping)" and how he embarks on a quest to save Rhyme and Reason.

We read the first two chapters last night and I really like the wisdom of Norton Juster--the author--and how he writes. For example, Milo comes upon a house, Expectations and encounters the Wheather Man. The Whether Man tells Milo, "Expect everything, I always say, and the unexpected never happens." I can tell this is going to be a great book and I'm really excited for story time before bed! I have made a list of interesting books I think they'd both enjoy which includes Superfudge (Judy Blume), A Wrinkle in Time (Madeline L'Engle), Where the Red Fern Grows (Wilson Rawls), and Howliday Inn (James Howe) to name a few.

The Strangest Story

I'm an avid reader. I have been since I was a kid. Every night, I read to Drew and Brad before bed. I had to work last night so my mom was kind enough to put the boys to bed and read them a story. She was telling me about it today--a book she bought in the children's section of a bookstore called Baaa by David Macaulay. I hadn't read it yet but she was telling me how weird it is. Naturally, this piqued my curiosity and I had no choice but to read it. I was a little surprised that it's a "children's" book. It deals with overpopulation, heirarchy of society, government, etc. A little heavy for small children but for some reason, I can't stop thinking about it.

Happy (Belated) Halloween!

Here I am with my hubby (in the mask) and our friends Tim aka "Alexa" and Shannon. Hope everyone had a fun, safe Halloween!