Updates

I'm a little late in posting these pictures and this video but better late than never. Drew turned 13 at the end of March and... being the completely "wonderful" mother that I am, we took him to Hooters to celebrate. I know, I know. But hey, the girls aren't naked, he wasn't drinking beer and we had a really good time! I can't believe my oldest "baby" is 13. Time is going by way too quickly.






Also, Brad was baptized about a month ago. He accepted Christ as his Savior about a year ago after an extensive discussion about Heaven and love for Jesus. I will never forget the way he told me that he'd professed his love for our Savior. He'd been playing a video game and all of a sudden, came to me and said, "Mama, I quietly asked Jesus into my heart." Here's the youtube video of his baptism.

I Can't Sleep

I'll admit I've slept really, really well for the last two nights and gotten up early to enjoy the day. This morning, however, I am still awake at 3. What is that? I guess I've just had a lot on my mind lately. Mostly daydreams and thoughts of things I want to do with my life but every day goings on as well which I will not discuss on this blog.

*My weight's been on my mind a lot lately. A lot. I have stopped my figure training and put that dream on the back burner. Not because I don't think I can do it--I know I can. There are just so many factors that have made it an impossibility at this time in my life. It makes me really upset because I've been dying to do it for the last 2-3 years now. I am not eating right when I do decide to eat and it's a vicious cycle of bingeing (binging?). I have completely warped my body by not eating at all or over-eating. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror and there are times when I don't look at myself in the mirror at all. Sometimes I wish that cutting the fat off my body were as easy as cutting the fat off meat. It's a daily, sometimes hourly frustration for me.

*I wish I could travel. I wish I didn't have to stay in one place all the time. I could die happy a year from now if it meant I could travel the world. There are so many places I want to see and I have wanderlust like you wouldn't believe. My personality is such that I get bored easily with everything. There are very few things I've done in life (I don't like admitting) that I have actually followed through with. The best way I can explain it is this--once I've gotten all I can out of an experience and once I've learned all I can, I know it's time to move on. I don't mean that to sound like I'm a bitch, it's just the way I'm wired. Always moving on. Do I really want to live in TX for the rest of my life? Will I be content not having been able to do what I want or see the places I want? No. I have to see the following places in the US: Boston and Salem, Mass; Portland, OR; NYC, Maine, Nantucket Island, Seattle (again), Washington DC and I want to see the following places in the world: Vienna, Germany, England, Scotland, Ireland, Poland, and Bavaria.

*I really like the person I am at 30. The 30-year-old Marissa is headstrong, (somewhat) confident and doesn't need to be around anyone 24/7 to be happy. I understand that I need time with friends, time for myself, definitely time with the family and I am smart enough to know that I cannot and will not make any one person my entire life; I don't want to be anyone's entire life either. I am through asking for permission to live my life. I have one shot at this whole existence and I don't want to wake up tomorrow, 50 years old and with regrets. That being said, do I regret anything to date? No. Every challenge I have faced has been an enormous opportunity for mental and spiritual growth. We live and learn every single day and I am. I have. Sometimes I get a little disheartened because I have such a zest for life--I want to live my life as an exclamation rather than an explanation and right now I just don't feel like I'm reaching my potential. Talk about an epic frustration! There's no worse feeling knowing you want something but you can't reach out and grab it.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my full and racing brain lately. So much thinking, so little action being taken...

You Can Fly

I'm so happy I've had time to blog a lot lately! I haven't had much of anything to say, but it's nice to be able to unload random thoughts and events that are swimming around in my head. I've mentioned before that I love when I fly in my dreams. Last night I had one of the coolest flying dreams I've ever had. I don't read much into these dreams but there's such a sense of freedom associated with the flight. There's no fear and such an exhilaration; those dreams make me so happy.

In the dream, my parents and I were on a ride at an amusement park and it was a very, very high ride. We were on this wooden beam that was completely open and our only security was a leather belt that we fastened around our waists. We straddled this beam and fastened the belts and as soon as the ride began to move, we were airborne on this beam and the sky turned dark like night. The stars were so bright and it felt like we were high enough up to be able to touch them. We dipped all over the sky and I saw some wonderful things. Large sculptures, brightly lit in vibrant colors--purples, hot pinks, yellows and deep greens. One of them was a large arch with flowers and vines carved into it. When we came upon that archway, the beam dipped low over a black body of water. We were low enough for me to be able to lean back and look up at the stars while skimming my fingertips through the cool water.

The dream ended with us back on solid ground in a room like a movie theatre. It was if we had been in a virtual reality movie. I don't share my dreams often but I love to share my flying dreams.

Morning Time Motherhood=Epic Fail.

Well, maybe not epic fail but fail nonetheless. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this but I don't make my boys' lunches. I don't make breakfast. In fact, I don't get up in the mornings because Mama will sacrifice anything in the world except sleep. Robert normally takes care of the morning routine and he worked an overnight shift last night so it fell on me today to get the boys ready for school.

I was so overwhelmed this morning that I literally stood in front of the pantry for 15 minutes trying to determine what to do first. I didn't even know where to start. Sandwich? Chips? Drink? What else? Poor Drew. He fixed himself a bowl of cereal and I asked him to fix one for Brad as well which didn't bode well for the 7-year-old. When I finally got it under control and had their lunches fixed 40 minutes later--yes, 40 minutes later--I asked Brad if he needed a snack for school.

"Yes."
"Does it go in your lunchbag?"
"No, Mama."
(exasperated) "Mama, are you gonna be making our lunches from now on...?"

This morning's dealings made me realize one very.important.thing. I am a mother first and foremost every day of the year... but not before 9 am! ;-)

A Conversation With My 7-Year-Old

Tonight my 7-year-old came into my room and we saw two commercials for that movie Kick-Ass. He was telling me how much Drew wants to see that movie and here's what happened.

Brad: "Drew really wants to see that movie."
Me: "Drew will NOT be seeing that movie."
Brad: "Oh, right. Probably because it's rated R."
Me: "I don't think it's rated R but I'm not sure."
Brad: "Oh. Probably because it has a bad name he can't see it."

So he and I continue talking and a different trailer for the movie comes on in which Kick-Ass is said about 4 times. He goes, "I'm leaving. I don't want to hear that bad word anymore."

Then he comes back in a couple of minutes later to tell me that Drew is grounded for a week and that his phone's been taken away. He said he watched his phone get hidden and he promised that he wouldn't tell Drew where it was. He then says, "I bet he got grounded for trying to download another game on his phone."

Brad has always been wise for his years. I hope he always, always has the integrity he carries with him right now. I hope that the world will not jade him out of his honesty. Those are noble qualities for any man to possess and they're very, very rare. I pray for both my boys every day that God will keep them in His care and that they'll both grow to be men of honor.

These Are Things That Make Me Happy

I LOVE...
thunderstorms during the day, road trips, football games, bright colored stripes, new office or art supplies, hazlenut hot chocolate, hot tea, glitter, beads, sequins, collages, art museums, nature walks, scented candles in shades of brown and cream, dark nail polish, a genuine belly laugh, black and white photographs, yearbooks, hand-written letters, my down comforter, deep red tulips, pretty gift bags, hand-made Christmas cards, small white twinkle lights, cobblestone streets, antique shops, english ivy plants, coffee table books, great hotels, black and white movies, house-hunting, triathlons, imax theatres, mom-n-pop diners, superbowl parties, harp lager and dos equis, margaritas, historic homes, concerts, good karaoke bars, the beach, tattoos, baseball caps, comfy jeans, flip flops, running, new running shoes, people watching, window shopping, calligraphy, strappy heels, singing, weddings, board games, song lyrics, i love having short hair, i love being outside when the weather is crisp but the sun is shining, watching texas sunsets, vintage t-shirts, catalogs, dancing when no one is watching, swinging on playground swings, exploring new places, browsing travel guides and books, running into old classmates/friends, reminiscing, hearing an old favorite song, beach glass, iowa state cyclones, dallas mavericks, celtic music, historic castles, laughing at myself, book stores, coffee houses....

Me

I've been trying to figure out how to start this post. It's been awhile since I've blogged. This post is about me. It's about getting older. It's about becoming wiser. Changing. Learning. Growing. There is a stirring in my soul and I cannot quell it. It's like waves on a beach; calm and subtle, slowly reaching the point of high tide--unruly and strong.

I love to see the changes in myself. A couple of years ago, I was meek and afraid to speak my mind. I was afraid of the idea of being alone for the rest of my life, not having any friends. A couple of years ago, I would have never dared believe that I'm a strong person and that I'm worthy of the dreams I carry. A couple of years ago, I was afraid of dying without ever really having lived. I cared what other people thought of me and I wanted everyone to like me.

Now, I don't think that way. I have begun to speak up more when something bothers me and if the truth hurts, hey, at least you know what's on my mind. I manage to do it tactfully but the point is, I'm learning that it's okay to not hold back. I am not afraid of doing things on my own anymore. My job has been a lifesaver for me because I have gotten to know some amazing people who I can 100% be myself around. There are no pretenses, there's no drama and all of us in "the circle" would do anything for the other. Moving away from Decatur has been such a positive thing for me. I am learning more and more about myself as the days go by and the best part is that I am growing as a woman and gaining a mental strength and clarity that I have never had before. It's me getting older and wiser. I am not 16 anymore; that girl is long gone and hasn't looked back. This is the feeling of believing in myself and loving myself for the first time in my life; I relish and it feels so good.