I Can't Sleep

I'll admit I've slept really, really well for the last two nights and gotten up early to enjoy the day. This morning, however, I am still awake at 3. What is that? I guess I've just had a lot on my mind lately. Mostly daydreams and thoughts of things I want to do with my life but every day goings on as well which I will not discuss on this blog.

*My weight's been on my mind a lot lately. A lot. I have stopped my figure training and put that dream on the back burner. Not because I don't think I can do it--I know I can. There are just so many factors that have made it an impossibility at this time in my life. It makes me really upset because I've been dying to do it for the last 2-3 years now. I am not eating right when I do decide to eat and it's a vicious cycle of bingeing (binging?). I have completely warped my body by not eating at all or over-eating. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror and there are times when I don't look at myself in the mirror at all. Sometimes I wish that cutting the fat off my body were as easy as cutting the fat off meat. It's a daily, sometimes hourly frustration for me.

*I wish I could travel. I wish I didn't have to stay in one place all the time. I could die happy a year from now if it meant I could travel the world. There are so many places I want to see and I have wanderlust like you wouldn't believe. My personality is such that I get bored easily with everything. There are very few things I've done in life (I don't like admitting) that I have actually followed through with. The best way I can explain it is this--once I've gotten all I can out of an experience and once I've learned all I can, I know it's time to move on. I don't mean that to sound like I'm a bitch, it's just the way I'm wired. Always moving on. Do I really want to live in TX for the rest of my life? Will I be content not having been able to do what I want or see the places I want? No. I have to see the following places in the US: Boston and Salem, Mass; Portland, OR; NYC, Maine, Nantucket Island, Seattle (again), Washington DC and I want to see the following places in the world: Vienna, Germany, England, Scotland, Ireland, Poland, and Bavaria.

*I really like the person I am at 30. The 30-year-old Marissa is headstrong, (somewhat) confident and doesn't need to be around anyone 24/7 to be happy. I understand that I need time with friends, time for myself, definitely time with the family and I am smart enough to know that I cannot and will not make any one person my entire life; I don't want to be anyone's entire life either. I am through asking for permission to live my life. I have one shot at this whole existence and I don't want to wake up tomorrow, 50 years old and with regrets. That being said, do I regret anything to date? No. Every challenge I have faced has been an enormous opportunity for mental and spiritual growth. We live and learn every single day and I am. I have. Sometimes I get a little disheartened because I have such a zest for life--I want to live my life as an exclamation rather than an explanation and right now I just don't feel like I'm reaching my potential. Talk about an epic frustration! There's no worse feeling knowing you want something but you can't reach out and grab it.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my full and racing brain lately. So much thinking, so little action being taken...