I Love You. I Hate You.

I'm talking about food. I love eating. I hate eating. I have gained back the 30+ lbs I lost three years ago when my husband had lapband surgery. I have always had an unhealthy love/hate relationship with food. I love to eat but then I immediately regret doing so and I angrily think to myself, "Did you really need to go there?" It was so easy to drop the pounds three years ago. We had a gym membership and we worked out together. Now, even though I'm motivated every time I look in the mirror, it's not enough to make me want to head outside for a run. I know what needs to be done, my problem is doing it. Don't we all do that in some way or another with something? And really, what is it that's holding me back? Why do I refuse to do it in the first place? Is it a subconscious fear that I have yet to identify? I don't know.

I just know that I hate food. I hate that I love it. When I eat, (in my mind) I feel my face getting fatter and rounder. I literally feel my chin expanding below. Sometimes I'll compensate by doing sets of lunges and squats after I eat even if it's in a restaurant bathroom stall. Or wall push ups. Sometimes all three. I don't really know why I'm putting this all out in cyberspace. Am I crazy? Yea, maybe. All I want is to feel good about myself just one day of my life. Authentically good.

My Happy Place

Surprisingly, I never thought I'd ever say it, but it's the j-o-b. I can't stress how much I love being there. I love the people I work with, I love reading, and I am always happy when I come home. Even when I have to close and don't get home until 1230-1 a.m. on weekends. Even with the dreaded holiday season around the corner. Even when I have to RTS stacks of magazines like this
on weekends. Even when my very most favorite buddies aren't working but other nice people are. I can be my fun-loving, happy self where it's okay to get excited and I don't have to worry about, "tone it down, Marissa." I can be myself without having to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. My co-workers get me and I get them. I haven't felt this way about a job since high school when I waited tables at Souper Salad. I loved that company so much that I followed a manager to a different store when he transferred.

Anyway, I know I've talked a lot about the job lately but I can't help it. I'm happy, I love it, and I am genuinely in a good mental place for those 8 hours of the day when I get to be where I feel the best about myself. What's yours?

A New Story

The boys and I started reading a new book last night. I know we're two chapters away from finishing The Mouse and the Motorcycle but it took us far too long to read that one (sorry, Beverly Cleary, but this was not a very exciting story). Besides, I've been dying to start reading The Phantom Tollbooth. I never read that one as a kid and it's one we've had on the shelf forever, patiently waiting to be read. I was hooked after reading the back cover and how Milo "visits the Island of Conclusions (you get there by jumping)" and how he embarks on a quest to save Rhyme and Reason.

We read the first two chapters last night and I really like the wisdom of Norton Juster--the author--and how he writes. For example, Milo comes upon a house, Expectations and encounters the Wheather Man. The Whether Man tells Milo, "Expect everything, I always say, and the unexpected never happens." I can tell this is going to be a great book and I'm really excited for story time before bed! I have made a list of interesting books I think they'd both enjoy which includes Superfudge (Judy Blume), A Wrinkle in Time (Madeline L'Engle), Where the Red Fern Grows (Wilson Rawls), and Howliday Inn (James Howe) to name a few.

The Strangest Story

I'm an avid reader. I have been since I was a kid. Every night, I read to Drew and Brad before bed. I had to work last night so my mom was kind enough to put the boys to bed and read them a story. She was telling me about it today--a book she bought in the children's section of a bookstore called Baaa by David Macaulay. I hadn't read it yet but she was telling me how weird it is. Naturally, this piqued my curiosity and I had no choice but to read it. I was a little surprised that it's a "children's" book. It deals with overpopulation, heirarchy of society, government, etc. A little heavy for small children but for some reason, I can't stop thinking about it.

Happy (Belated) Halloween!

Here I am with my hubby (in the mask) and our friends Tim aka "Alexa" and Shannon. Hope everyone had a fun, safe Halloween!

A Quest for Comfy Shoes

I've been working for about a month now at a local bookstore and I love it. LOVE IT! I am a total book nerd and it's widely known that I'd spend the bulk of my money on books if I could. No clothes, no makeup, no gadgets--books, my friends. Anyhow, I am on the hunt for comfy shoes. I've been wearing my Mary Janes by Docs which are cute but steel toes for 9+ hours? No way. Sooo... any suggestions, blog readers? If I had my way, I'd wear those little Isotoner slippers that look like ballet shoes. I wonder if anyone would notice that those particular shoes are actually slippers...?

Bad Blogger!

I know, I know--I am a bad blogger. I have every intention of updating regularly and I can't tell you how many times a great blog topic pops into my head at random. Because it's at random, I am usually nowhere near my computer when I get these ideas and then they flee my mind. We have been busy lately! Drew's football season is in full swing, he made the A/B Honor Roll the first 6 weeks and last night was his fall choir concert (video links below). They sounded great and I was so proud of him! Drew is the one in the middle of the stage, front row with his shirt sleeves rolled up.

I almost cried when I saw him up there on the stage with his classmates. It seems like yesterday he was a little boy playing with his cars and talking to his imaginary friends. Now, he's well on his way to 13, texts constantly and plays middle school football. As I was watching him, I couldn't help but think how absolutely wonderful it is, this life and being able to watch my boys grow up. The time goes by so quickly and I always have to remind myself to hang on as long as I can to these fleeting moments. Tomorrow I'll wake up and my boys will be fathers themselves. It's funny--I always told myself that I'd never be a mother; I didn't want to go through all that. But now that I am one, I wouldn't trade one day of it. Those boys are such special people and I have truly been blessed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDTP4ZRzLb8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHLFc2dLGqg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0xYWPh9wjs